


light; in a tunnel without end

by Meatball42



Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bechdel Test Pass, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-04 04:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20465261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meatball42/pseuds/Meatball42
Summary: Lots of people died. Ava only cared about one. But a Ghost, of all people, doesn't refuse to change in the face of a new world.





	light; in a tunnel without end

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bold_seer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bold_seer/gifts).

> Content warning for non-graphic thwarted sexual assault, and brief discussions of motherhood and its interactions with superheroism. Think Ultron, but not as shitty.

Ava turns around in the middle of a sentence and Bill is gone.

It’s not the worst day of her life. But it’s close.

* * *

It takes her a week to get back to California from South America. Most of the continent—most of the world—is shut down in chaos. Ava makes her luggage invisible with the rest of her and sneaks onto a plane carrying a Prime Minister and his wife to Los Angeles.

It takes a few hours of hacking and a few more hours of travelling to find the Van Dyne-Lang collective. While she tracks them, Ava refuses to cry, refuses to think about anyone she passes. So what if they’re hurting? So what if she’s hurting? Pain doesn’t accomplish anything. You have to keep moving, no matter how much it hurts.

When she finds the rooftop with the quantum tunnel in the van, all abandoned and glazed by rain, she has to sit down for a moment to smother the despair.

The only thing Ava has left in the world is herself. Her body, which is mostly stable for the moment. Her skills. Her needs. There is no one to live with, to plan with, no one to protect and be protected by. No one to hunt down or kill.

She needs access to quantum energy. What Janet gave her will last another few weeks. Beyond that, she and Bill were going to return to the US. Janet swore she would find out how to extend the half-life of the contained quantum energy. She’d hugged Ava, promised to do everything she could to help her.

Unlike the SHIELD agents who’d controlled her life for so long, Ava had believed Janet. She’d finally been able to trust someone other than Bill, and now they’re both gone. 

Limbs weak with grief, Ava forces herself to her feet. She clenches her fists and makes herself walk over to the console. Something here will help her survive. She needs to figure it out.

That’s when she realizes that she’s not the only one of them left.

* * *

But, in the end, she is alone. Like always.

They've found Scott's daughter, made a plan. They're going to show the Avengers the quantum transducer, tell them Scott's idea to travel back in time.

They're going to give away the secret that's keeping Ava free of pain. But it's worth it, if it'll bring back Bill.

“You have to go to New York without me,” Scott tells her eventually, after a long ramble during which Ava got progressively less patient. “I’m all Cassie has left. I have to stay here with her.”

“They don’t know me,” she says.

What she means is, _'The Avengers were SHIELD. What if they want to use me like SHIELD did?’ _

“I’ll let them know you’re coming. They’re good people, they’ll hear us out.”

He’s trying to reassure her, with those soft eyes. It makes sense, how soft he is, when he’s with his daughter. Cassie adores him, and he’s so good with her. Watching them makes Ava ache inside, missing something she can hardly remember.

When he smiles like that at Ava, it only makes her angry.

“Fine,” she says spitefully. She walks through the door of Cassie’s parents’ house without saying goodbye, ignoring Scott asking her if she wants dinner before she leaves.

She doesn’t need anything from him.

* * *

The five-day drive from California to New York is quiet and dark for the majority of her trip, most of the interstates empty. The contrast is the horrible chaos around the cities, where the biggest crowds of people are still gathered in shock and rage and despair and all of the extremes of humanity. Navigating them in Scott's van with the quantum portal in the back is a battle: Ava has to try to find the roads that lead where she wants to go without GPS, without maps, and without running into the people who are taking out their pain on anything they see. There have been riots in most of the cities she passes through, murders. Building have come down. What’s left of the National Guard is out in some places.

Sometimes it helps. Other times, it starts more fires.

When she reaches the Avengers compound outside New York City it’s dusk, and all Ava wants to do is sleep and not wake up.

“Ava Starr?”

“Yes.”

The gates open for her and she drives in.

She’s met by a bearded man in chinos and a blonde woman in tight jeans and a leather jacket. The woman looks familiar, and once upon a time Ava would have cared about that, but right now she doesn’t care about much of anything.

“Come on in.”

Inside is made of glass and metal, the furniture a better quality than anything SHIELD had ever bought. It’s professional, unremarkable, until they reach a room with a half a dozen people inside.

Armchairs and couches have been pulled together to make a sort of circle. A table holds a huge stack of grilled cheese sandwiches, bags of chips, a half-empty salad serving bowl. Pitchers of soda. Plastic cups and plates.

Ava goes and makes herself a plate while the room’s occupants watch her.

Thor is there, the only Avenger Ava could recognize when they aren't wearing a superhero costume. There’s another blonde who she doesn’t know even with her costume, a red and blue suit with a star on the chest. A man who stands with his arms crossed, his legs clad in armor of some sort. A curly-haired man who slumps over his sandwich, looking utterly defeated.

A blue hologram shows a woman in an unusual dress carrying a staff. Ava would think she was just a picture, except for how she watches Ava’s movements with pursed lips.

In a corner of the room, sitting away from the others, a girl with long auburn hair hugs her knees on a couch, her head tucked down. There’s also a raccoon in clothes slurping on soda through a straw, but that’s hardly the strangest thing Ava has ever seen.

The bearded man and the blonde who met her at the van sit with the others. They chat quietly. Ava doesn’t try to listen in. There is very little they could say that she wants to hear.

Eventually, she sits down in their circle. The Avengers watch her and she glares at them.

These are the people who paraded around as SHIELD’s pet superheroes for years, while Ava was their hostage. These are the people who swore to hunt down Hydra but never came for her. Never tried to save her.

One or two of them are taken aback, but the others don’t seem to notice. Maybe they’re used to it.

“Ant-Man said the two of you have an idea on how to fix all this,” the bearded man opens.

“Something about time travel,” concurs the blonde beside him.

“The quantum realm,” Ava says with a nod. “Janet Van Dyne, the original Wasp, disappeared into it decades ago. She came out last month only a few years older. Scott theorized that the time dilation could be used to travel back in time.”

“And destroy Thanos before he gathered the stones,” says Thor intently.

“Have you heard of anything like this?” the bearded man asks Thor.

Thor shakes his head. “But there are many magics in the realms. Although I haven’t heard of it, it could exist somewhere.” 

“Captain?” the bearded man asks the blonde with the star on her chest. She shakes her head as well. “Bruce?”

The curly-haired man sits up slowly, like his bones hurt. Ava watches him with interest. The other Avengers all look untouched, perfect.

“There are a lot of theories of time travel. Some of them would say that even trying to change the past is a black hole waiting to happen. Slowing down time, that’s one thing, but altering events that have already taken place? It’s risky.”

The atmosphere of the room sinks. Hope that Ava hadn’t realized was there fades from their eyes.

“But you’re going to try, aren’t you?” she says loudly. Their passivity and weakness grates. “Aren’t you the _ Avengers? _”

“We want to bring back those who have been lost, not destroy the rest of the planet,” the woman in the hologram says sternly. 

“I’ll look over what you've brought and the rest of the documents Lang's sending over,” Bruce says quickly. “I think this is our best shot at the moment. But I’m not optimistic.”

And that’s it. They all just… sit there. The bearded man stares over Thor’s head. The standing man shakes his head. The raccoon gets up and pours himself some more soda.

“You’re pathetic,” Ava breathes.

Eyes turn to her in surprise. Thor scowls.

“Half of the world’s population is gone and you’re just—sitting here!” Some of them look angry: Thor, the woman in the hologram, the man in the lower-body armor who frowns at her, but none of them have anything to say. Ava stands up. “Why won’t you _ act? _”

“We are exploring our options,” says the blonde who walked Ava in. “There’s not a lot we can do right now.”

“Get in the quantum transducer! Learn how to fly it! Track down the alien who did this all! We have aliens now!” she shouts. “Gods! People popping out of nowhere with new abilities all the time! The last ten years have seen faster technological advances than any other time in history! Don’t _ tell me _ there’s nothing you can do!”

The bearded man stands. “Ms. Starr, I promise. We’re doing everything we—”

_ ‘We’re doing everything we can for you, Ms. Starr. You should be pain-free in just a few years.’ _

She doesn’t realize she’s kicked him in the chest until there’s a gun in her face.

The bearded man is on the ground behind the couch, thanks to Ava wearing her suit under her regular clothes. One blonde stands between him and Ava, wielding a gun in each hand. The other blonde’s hands are on fire. Thor has stood up, ready.

Bruce, the raccoon, and the man in half-armor watch, but do nothing.

In the corner, the auburn-haired girl raises her head.

“It’s okay, Natasha,” the bearded man says. He stands up, and abruptly, Ava recognizes him by the shape of his body as he moves, recognizable even without his red-white-and-blue suit.

“Stand down,” Captain America says to the room.

Through numb lips, Ava speaks without thinking. “You... you were supposed to…”

_ Save me. Be the hero we needed. That I needed. _

Ava turns invisible and ignores the exclamations of surprise as she runs away.

* * *

She stays in San Francisco with Scott and Cassie.

Scott doesn't know how to travel through time with the quantum portal, but he can use it to harvest the energy that Ava needs to continue living without pain. He has no idea how Jan was able to make it last for months at a time so that Ava could stay away. So she's stuck there, able to spend no more than a few days away from him at a time.

Cassie's parents, the ones she was living with, are gone. She'd been crying nonstop when Ava left for New York, but by now she's mostly just quiet. Scott plays with her, but from the tired look on his face Ava assumes that Cassie isn't feeling well. She would try to help—she owes Scott for the quantum energy—but she's never spent any time around children.

Ava doesn't stay in the house much. She’s just traded one prison for a better one, after all. But this one lets her live with a blissfully pain-free body, lets her phase when _she_ wants to, and _only_ when she wants to. This one lets her take care of someone else.

Cassie has suffered enough for having a superhero for a parent. If Ava can't leave this city, she can make sure that this little girl is never afraid, the way Ava was as a child. She can make sure no one has to be afraid. 

That's how San Francisco gets a new, not-so-friendly neighborhood Ghost.

* * *

The city is in shambles, and Ava can't stand the quiet of the house, or the sounds of Scott and Cassie playing, so she spend a lot of time protecting people from the looters and opportunists. She maneuvers crashed cars out of peoples’ houses and storefronts. She scares the shit out of a new gang that was trying to take control of the Tenderloin and runs them out of town. She even helps move furniture on slow days.

It's different from her old life—from any of her old lives—but when the city is quiet and she goes back to Scott and Cassie's house... she sleeps better than she ever has. It feels good.

One evening about four months after the Decimation, Ava is running through the city invisibly, just enjoying the wind on the bare skin of her arms and face, when she hears a shout for help. Down an alley behind what used to be an Italian restaurant, she finds a man who has a crying woman pinned in a corner of the building. The woman's shirt is on the ground, and the man's hand is down her pants.

Ava sees red. Red in her field of vision, red on her fists. Red on the man's face, obscuring his features where he lays in the middle of the alley.

And then, red ribbons weaving around her arms and pulling her off of him, holding her in place.

The attacker is unconscious, or dead. This isn't his work. The woman who called for help has vanished and taken her shirt with her. Ava pulls at the unknown magic that binds her, but the seemingly insubstantial chains don't give an inch.

A woman walks into her view. It’s the crying Avenger who wouldn’t even look at Ava when she begged.

“Let go of me!” she spits.

“He’s been punished enough,” the woman says. She doesn't looking at Ava, crouching in front of the monster instead and checking his pulse.

“He will _ never _ be punished enough.”

“I know,” the woman sighs. 

She stands and turns to Ava, and Ava stops struggling against the magical bindings in shock.

The woman has eyes that glow from the inside with something no one else could ever understand. They’re deep and yet reflecting, soulful but solid in a way Ava has never been able to reach.

She looks like she’s just as shattered as Ava feels, on the bad nights, the quiet nights.

“Who are you?”

“My name is Wanda Maximoff. You might have heard of me as the Scarlet Witch.”

Ava double-takes at the sparkling magic that binds her and the small, fashionably-dressed woman before her.

And then, like always, the bitterness and spite rise up over the awe. This is one of the people who failed to stop Thanos. This is the person who looked away while Ava challenged her teammates, who was silent as the other Avengers refused to act, refused to listen to someone who had been hurt worse than any of them.

“What do you want from me?”

The Witch regards her thoughtfully. “We need your help.”

“You didn’t want my help before,” Ava scorns. “Why are you here now?” She fights against the bonds again, but they won’t break.

“We think your time travel idea might work.”

Ava has to laugh. Except, it also feels like coughing, and suddenly there are tears on her cheeks. She bares her teeth as though viciousness will make up for her weakness. “You didn’t believe it when I came to you. Tell me why should I help you now.”

“Because you want to bring everyone back,” the Witch says simply. “I know exactly how you feel. But isn’t it better to work with us, to get them back?”

“You have no idea how I feel,” Ava spits. “And I don’t need anyone.”

The Witch watches her. Those starlit eyes seem like they can see right into Ava’s soul. She resists the urge to spit at this superior freak who thinks she gets to preach just because she can hold Ava down, for now.

“Tony Stark killed my parents,” says the Witch unexpectedly. She watches Ava as that sinks in.

Ava shakes her head; she couldn’t even be in the same room as Hank Pym, even after his wife saved her life. “How could you…?”

With a quiet sigh, the Witch sits on a pile of abandoned pallets nearby. Ava tests the magical bonds, but they are as strong as ever.

“I was angry, so angry, for a long time. That led me to do things I regret. Work with bad people, hurt innocents. I thought I had to protect myself, and my brother, and that no one would help me. And I was right, in part. No one came to save us, orphans in a war-torn country. The choices I made kept us alive. But when the Avengers came? I hated them even more, for coming late.”

It hurts to hear her own heart laid out like that. Ava’s vision blurs and she looks up at the cloudy sky, willing herself to be stone again.

“It was only when I realized that my actions could have caused the destruction of my own country that I decided it was better to side with the people I hated—the Avengers, Tony Stark—to protect what was most important to me.

“I know why you’re angry, Ava.” The witch gets to her feet and stands right in front of Ava, who holds her gaze because to drop it would be to admit defeat. “I know you were abandoned and betrayed just like I was. I know you’ve lost everyone you ever cared about. I have too.” Her voice broke and she took a second to breathe. “But this time travel idea… it means maybe I could get one of them back. _ One _ person I love. So I’m asking you to please come help us. It doesn’t mean you forgive the Avengers. It just means we might get to see them again.”

She watches Ava and it feels like having her brain x-rayed as she fights with herself. She doesn’t want to see the Avengers again, see the lofty looks on their faces as they deign to consider the idea Ava drove through riots to bring them. She doesn’t want to see how comfortable they are with each other, those special people whose powers didn’t hurt them every day, who got to be heroes rather than shadows in the night.

She doesn’t want to watch them try, and fail, and know that Bill is never coming back.

“We have to try, don’t we?” the Witch whispers.

The magic slides away and Ava lands on her feet.

* * *

Scott comes with them back to New York, bringing Cassie. Wanda told him that Tony Stark asked for him specifically, which Ava doubts, but she doesn't say anything. Scott has first-hand knowledge of the equipment, and, she’s learned, a knack for figuring out things that he has no expertise in at all.

They travel faster than the journey Ava took all those weeks ago. The cities are calmer, as grief has overtaken horror and rage. Jobs are a strange thing right now, but people need to eat, and things need to be done. There are new patterns in the world, though the empty spaces they creep around are obvious.

Ava looks out the windows and says very little. Cassie, bouncing back with the resilience of childhood, keeps her father smiling.

Wanda smiles at Cassie, too. When it’s her turn in the backseat, they play games that feel familiar to Ava, like pattycake and I Spy. Wanda has a way with the girl that makes Ava wonder if she’s a mother herself.

That hurts to think, too. Jealousy grinds decades of hurt even deeper into Ava’s soul. With her cells the way they are, it’s unlikely she could ever conceive, much less carry. And even if she could… Ava wouldn’t wish this life on any child.

Once, thinking these sharp thoughts and trying not to cry, Ava looks up to see Wanda watching her with those inner-lit eyes.

When they make it to the compound, things have changed somewhat from Ava’s last visit. The raccoon and the fire-handed woman are gone, and Tony Stark and an angry-looking man have taken their place. Scott and Cassie get a set of rooms next to each other. Ava’s room is next door to Cassie’s.

The energy in the building is different, now that the people living here have hope. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner and Scott spend a lot of time in a physics laboratory that Ava tries to avoid, talking about time travel. She hears laughter and joking when she gets close enough.

Captain America (“Call me Steve,” he’d said, with a hearty handshake and apologetic eyes) and Natasha Romanov and the angry man, Clint Barton, train all day, more than seems necessary. Whenever he isn’t training, Barton is playing with Cassie. Scott doesn’t mind. He says he knows Clint is a good guy. Barton’s interest in the girl doesn’t seem untoward, but Ava keeps a close eye on them, regardless.

Thor sticks close to Ava and Wanda. Wherever Wanda goes, and Ava tags along, he follows behind them, a quiet shadow who occasionally looks conscious when Wanda speaks to him.

Wanda likes to walk through the forests around the compound. She likes to play her guitar, strumming and humming to herself, inviting anyone who’s nearby to sing along to the quiet, mournful tunes. She likes to cook for everyone. She always seems content, unbothered by the fact that half of the universe is ruined.

Ava stays with her because being around someone who can kill with a thought, but prefers to try new recipes for lasagna, is strange and interesting. She doesn’t have much else to do, aside from being accosted by the science team at random intervals, and Wanda is kind. Wanda has knowing eyes and makes Ava hot chocolate sometimes without saying a word.

Ava doesn’t know what it is about Wanda that keeps her attention, but she doesn’t hate it. And there hasn’t been much in her life that she hasn’t hated, so she doesn’t want to ruin it. Wanda’s presence, her easy words, the careless paint on her fingers, it all keeps some sort of hope alive in Ava’s heart.

Periodically, Ava has to explain a lot of things to Stark and Banner, to help them tune the quantum portal for time travel: Her father’s research, where it went wrong; Her suit, how it works and how it was developed; Everything SHIELD ever said about how _ she _ works; How they harvested quantum energy, what it did to her; What it’s like to be insubstantial, to be invisible, to pass through people and objects.

It’s tiring. Not physically, but inside, the way that SHIELD’s tests were tiring. She goes back to the room they assigned her and just lies on the bed, watching rain trickle down the windows. Sometimes, she’ll hear guitar from down the hallway, and it feels like a serene smile.

She sits next to Scott or Cassie when they have dinner. What’s left of the Avengers likes to eat as a group, and Ava doesn’t know what to make of it. It’s hard to watch them talk, obviously familiar and comfortable, sharing in-jokes and occasionally moving past awkward silences together. Ava wonders if this is what people always mean when they talk about family dinners.

Wanda will often sit on her other side, helping to make a barrier between the quiet end of the table and the more raucous side. She’s good at knowing who’s feeling talkative—often Cassie and Scott—and at steering conversation around the people who aren’t interested—usually Ava and Thor. Wanda leans over to Ava and mutters commentary in her ear: playful things, usually, things that would be embarrassing for the others, sometimes. It makes her feel like they're a special unit, away from the others. The way Wanda smiles at her after she says these things, secretive and happy, makes her feel chosen.

In the evenings, the Avengers will often gather in the long room where Ava first met them. Now, the atmosphere is more hopeful, happier. They play games, some nights: card games, board games. The artificial intelligence pulls up games on the large television a few times. Cassie joins in until her bedtime at 8, and then things take a turn for the more adult. References to violence, jokes about sex and alcohol and crazy nights in the past. But none of it awakens the instincts Ava picked up at SHIELD that told her which of the agents were enjoying the stories too much, which of them were looking at her when they told them. These nights are enjoyed by everyone. No one is left out, or made to feel like a target, not even Ava.

Other nights, they watch movies, or just sit in silence. People read, or work on tablets or laptops. Steve draws and Wanda knits. Thor stares out at the night sky. Ava watches.

Natasha watches, too, and she sees Ava watching, and Ava sees her. She sees someone like her, in those eyes, the same way she could tell that Wanda shared some of her pain. Natasha watches the people around her and keeps track, and is ready for the hand or the knife that could flash out at any moment, the 'teammate' who has their own best interests at heart.

One night, Natasha makes eye contact with Ava and holds it for a whole minute. Ava refuses to look away, knowing what a weakness that would be. Then Natasha shuffles her body down the couch, puts her socked feet in Bruce's lap, and goes to sleep.

Bruce settles his book on Natasha's ankles and seems to think nothing of it. Ava watches her for the next hour, but she really does seem to be sleeping, even as Tony and Scott walk by her on their way to the kitchen, as Cassie drops a doll on the hardwood floor less than ten feet away.

After that night, it's easier for Ava to relax.

* * *

It takes a month to figure out how to apply the quantum transducer for time travel. The original six Avengers, Wanda, and Scott prepare to travel to the past. They are joined by the raccoon, a blue alien, and a man Ava met her first time here who everyone calls Rhodey.

Ava stays behind in case something goes wrong with the quantum portal. She stays behind for another reason, too.

"If I don't come back," Scott says to her the night before the mission, "I want you to take care of Cassie."

He looks serious in a way she's never seen him. Scott always has a smile around his eyes, even when things aren't going well. Now he looks at her dead-on, frowning slightly.

"I don't have any experience with children," Ava says honestly.

"You could figure it out. You could figure out anything. I trust you."

Ava has no idea what to say, so she just nods. That night, she lies awake, wondering what she did that made Scott decide he could trust her with the most important thing in the world.

As the team gathers on the platform, Ava stands by the control board. Her stomach twists with strange emotions. They're crawling up her throat. They burn behind her eyes. She has no idea what to do with it all.

As ever, her face is entirely clear of any sign of it. Her only expression is, perhaps, a slight sneer.

Wanda turns her head, suddenly, and meets Ava's eyes. She holds them as the countdown starts. She swallows, but holds her chin up high.

There are wars going on in her eyes, too.

The Avengers disappear.

Ava, for once, remains.

* * *

The artificial intelligence announces the return of the world's population before the Avengers get back. When they do, it's a celebration. Phones are ringing, people are shouting their joy to the ceilings.

Ava calls Bill. He's confused, to suddenly be in their safe house without her, but when she tells him she's with the Avengers, and safe, he sighs in relief.

"I'll come to you," he promises. "Don't go anywhere!"

"I might be in San Francisco. Or somewhere else. I'll keep you updated."

"Don't go anywhere!" he repeats.

Golden circles open on the lawn and people spill out of them. Most of the team goes outside to greet their loved ones.

Ava goes to the roof and sits down to watch them invisibly. From that vantage point, she can see all of the reunions taking place. She can see how the Avengers really are a family, have been the whole time. She realizes that the hesitations she'd seen, that had made her suspicious, were caused by the absences of the people who belonged.

She sees that they are whole, now.

"Natasha says you should stay."

Ava tenses, but she recognizes Wanda's voice. Wanda comes to sit on the edge of the roof with her. Politely, Ava flickers back into the normal visual spectrum.

"Clint says he is going to retire for good this time. Steve and Tony say they want to take time off. Rhodey is going to stop going in the field except for emergencies. We could use you here."

Ava looks away, at the forests the surround the compound. This isn't what she wants to hear. She can feel tears start burning in her eyes.

"And I want you to stay, because you're my friend. Natasha says she likes you. Thor likes you, too. We all would miss you, if you left."

Ava swallows down more swirling emotions, but turns to face Wanda. "I don't know how to be... on a team like this."

Wanda laughs. "None of us did, before we were invited. We figured it out, together." She sighs, looking up at the clouds. "I know that it’s strange. The first time I came here was after my brother was killed. I thought I would never feel warm again. But this place, and these people, came to be my home. I hope we can be a home for you, too."

Ava doesn't reply. After a minute, Wanda leans over to bump her shoulder into Ava's, and gets up to leave.

Without meaning to, Ava catches Wanda's hand as the other women gets up. Wanda's eyes widen slightly in surprise, looking at Ava's fingers curled around her own palm, but the corners of her lips curl up. She sits back down beside Ava, and they sit in silence for a while, watching.


End file.
